Book Review - The Fine Art of Insincerity by Angela Hunt

I admit I found myself a little skeptical as I dove into this novel by Angela Hunt. I've always admired her writing, her strong female characters and her settings. However, I wasn't sure I liked these women. Not until the final quarter of the novel.

We start off with Ginger, the eldest of three sisters. Happily married to Michael, she's successful at what she does. And she's a bit of a control freak.

Then we meet Rosemary, who is melancholy and pitiful. Suffering the loss of two children prior to their births, she remains in mourning longer than the average person. She's a bit suicidal.

Finally, we meet Pennyroyal, the third of the sister trio. Penny is unhappily married to her nth husband, and we run into her story as she eyes her potential getaway man. She's quite the adulteress.

Despite the girls' flaws, their beloved Grandmother has passed away and left them a cottage of memories to clear out. The realtor needs to close the sale, so the ladies head off to the place they've avoided returning to and discover a few things about their heritage and themselves.

What intrigues me most about The Fine Art of Insincerity is that the entire novel is written in first person point of view and present tense. Not an easy thing for a novelist to pull off, especially not as well as Angela Hunt accomplishes it. 

I couldn't put it down, despite my brewing discontent with the characters and their attitudes toward life and the choices they made. At the end, all is not well, but all is worth living for. Which makes this a book worth reading.

To purchase your copy, please visit:
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Thoughtful Words - Controversial Words

We interrupt this blog sequence to bring you...CONTROVERSIAL WORDS.

If you've been following the news, then you've probably heard that Chick-fil-A President Dan Cathy stirred up a whole mess of attention when he declared his belief in the biblical definition of the family unit, including marriage between one man and one woman.

It's amazing to me how the press and non-Christians attack Christians when we publicly state our belief in God and His plan for humanity. Apparently, they can attack our beliefs at any point in time, but we are not allowed to denounce homosexuality or other life choices without a riot in return.

For example, in one report, a new Chick-fil-A store prepared for opening day. Supporters of the food chain camped out overnight, anxious to be there when the doors opened. Before they could think of entering the store, they were asked to leave, because a LGBT support group planned to boycott the company. Show me, please, where this represents equal rights.

Non-Christians can, apparently, cut to the front of the protest line while we Christians wait in the wings for our turn to support a company whose founding father's morals reflect our own. They can say what they wish about us, claiming we're anti-equality, but their actions speak so much louder than their words. Apparently they feel they should have their rights before we get ours. Otherwise, they would move aside and let us eat where we choose.

Other reports show opposition to the new building sites for Chick-fil-A restaurants. "We won't let them build in our cities," claim some governors. "Their belief system doesn't reflect the belief system of our cities." My logical brain says, How do you know that there aren't Christian people in your city who would like to eat at Chick-fil-A and have every right to do so? You'll ban a restaurant chain because their CEO believes in a Holy God who created the covenant of marriage? But you'll allow a LGBT business owner to run their store? Show me the equality in that.

Here's the difference between Christian controversial words and non-Christian controversial words: We still love the people who hate us.

I have a friend who is very dear to my heart. Guess what? He's gay. I did not know this growing up. When, as an adult, I found out, I asked him questions about his choice of sexual orientation. I wanted to know more about how he thinks and how he feels. I offered him the biblical truth I have come to know and believe. I didn't tell him this to say, "You're wrong. I'm right." I shared it with him to let him know where I stand on the choice and to encourage him to think about it. He didn't take it that way. He unfriended me on Facebook and hasn't made contact since I offered him my perspective.

No let's agree to disagree. No friendly response that he didn't share my belief, so how are the kids. Disconnect. Silence.

Do I hate him because he's a homosexual? No. He's always been a close friend, and I still consider him so, despite his disconnect from our relationship. I will always love him as such. Do I agree with his lifestyle choice? No. Do I have to? No. In Christianese, this is loving the sinner but hating the sin.

I'd like to know how someone can call Christians bigots and intolerant for standing for their beliefs when the same so firmly stands for their own.

Bigot - n -  a person who is obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially : one who regards or treats the members of a group (as a racial or ethnic group) with hatred and intolerance      

Controversial words have been part of human history for centuries. Jesus suffered crucifixion at the hands of those who found His words and beliefs controversial to their own. Of course, we who believe know that ultimately, this wasn't the final plan for His death. God had His own plan, that we might have life through Jesus' death.

So as controversial words continue to air, we should prepare ourselves with an answer to those who question our faith.

"Walk in wisdom toward those who are outside, redeeming the time. Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one." - Colossians 4:5-6

"Therefore we make it our aim, whether present or absent, to be well pleasing to Him. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive the things done in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad. Knowing, therefore, the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; but we are well known to God, and I also trust are well known in your consciences." -      2 Corinthians 5:9-11

Photo Copyright 2009 Victor H. Morales

Thoughtful Words - Spousal Words

There have been times in my marriage when Victor has said something to me, and I've wanted to give him a fat lip. His intentions were to encourage me to change my ways, but his method fell short of its result.

Have you ever noticed that the ones we love the most tend to be the ones who hurt us the most? Why is that?

My husband irritates once in awhile. I weary of picking up his dirty socks, washing his dishes every day, listening to the drone of his video game theme song, and hearing him talk loudly yell during a regular conversation.

I know he wearies of my imperfections too. My muttering loud enough for everyone to hear how frustrating it is to have to repeat myself twenty times and still find "people" not doing what I've requested. My looming deadlines and the need to work after hours, rather than scratch his head. My consistent requests for him to keep the kids and the dog out of my space so I can finish a project. 

We both have our imperfections. We come with plenty of baggage and a few faults. We both have logs in our eyes.

We tend to see one another as common, rather than remember we are sons and daughters of the King of Kings.

Of how much worse punishment, do you suppose, will he be thought worthy who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, counted the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified a common thing, and insulted the Spirit of grace? For we know Him who said, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. And again, “The Lord will judge His people.” It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. - Hebrews 10:29-31

We and our spouses have been sanctified by the blood of Jesus. We have a covenant relationship with God. How can we treat our spouses as some commoner, when he or she is a child of God? In doing so, we insult the Spirit of grace. And we fall into the hands of the living God.

I know I've become the unjust judge of my husband on more than one occasion, and I know he's done the same to me. I know I've jumped to conclusions, rather than giving him the benefit of the doubt. I know he's done the same to me. The Lord says that vengeance is His. Not ours. He is the One who will judge our spouses according to what they have done and said and us according to what we've done and said.

How do we overcome our spouse's hurtful words and our temptation to continue in our judgmental attitudes?

Remember: Jesus is the only One who can change our spouse. We can beg and plead and try to love them into being someone else, but God holds the power to change their hearts. It's better to focus on our own faults and allow God to change us. It's selfish to think our spouse needs to change and we don't. Avoid selfishness. Let God work on your heart first. Let Him deal with your spouse.

We all know where our faults lie. Only Jesus knows the intent of our heart better than we do. Despite what we may think, we don't know the intents of our spouse's hearts. We don't know what drives them to do the things they do or say the things they say. Rather than assuming we do, we should ask them. Quit accusing one another. Start supporting one another.

Rather than pointing our the negative things in each others' lives, point out the positive things. Instead of tearing one another down, build each other up. 

We need Jesus to be the center of our marriage. When we focus on Him, we can see our spouse through His eyes. In doing so, we see the positive far outweighs the negative. For that we can be thankful. And that thankfulness will be reflected in the words we say to our husband or wife. 

Let your words bring life to your spouse. Stop killing them with your words. 

Photo of Far From Love Courtesy of  Enver Uçarer
Photo of Kiss Courtesy of Mike Lawrey

Revisiting ~ Proverbs 15 ~ Your Tongue is on Fire!

Photo Copyright 2010 Alycia W. Morales

"A wholesome tongue is a tree of life,

But perverseness in it breaks the spirit."

~ Proverbs 15:4

Our words, which fall off our tongues, can either build someone up or tear someone down. The tone we take implies our sincerity or our deceit. We must watch what we say and how we say it.

Husbands and wives have a tendency to hurt one another more than any other person in the world could. Our intimacy sometimes gives us unwarranted liberty to push each others' buttons in ways we'd never allow someone else to. Try to say something against my husband or child, and I'll render you speechless, for sure.

Yet we allow ourselves to do what we'd allow no one else to. Why is that?

Because we know each others' weaknesses better than anyone else...

Our tongues can be a tree of life to our spouses, children, and others. Or they can break their spirits.

Observe:

I recently found myself counseling a dear friend of mine concerning the hurtful words of her husband. Reflecting on my own husband's occasional hurtful words, I realized something. My friend made the comment, "He says I put a wall up." I thought about that wall. It comes up anytime I'm falsely accused. I then had a revelation, which I shared with her. 

It's not a wall. It's my shield of faith. I've raised it in front of my heart to protect me from the fiery darts of the enemy. For I don't war against flesh and blood. My husband's just the messenger. It's his tongue the enemy has chosen to use to fire his darts from. He's believed some lie and forgotten how God sees me at the time. His words are critical, spiteful, or hurtful. Do I blame him? No. I raise my shield of faith and deflect the darts with God's Word and His love for me. 

Jesus heard the enemy through his disciples, those twelve men who were closest to Him. In Matthew 16:22, Peter took Jesus aside to tell Him He should not suffer and die on the cross for our sins. Jesus' response was, "Get behind Me, Satan! You are an offense to Me, for you are not mindful of the things of God, but the things of men." 

I can imagine Peter's response by the look on my husband's face when I say, "Hon. I love you, but you're listening to the lies of the enemy right now, and I won't hear them. I'm putting up my shield of faith right now, because your words are hurtful and will harm my heart."

The next time someone tries to tell you something you know isn't true about yourself, hold up your shield of faith. They may see it as a wall, but you and God will know you're protecting yourself from the perverseness being spouted in your direction. 

Don't forget to rejoice when the tongue of your loved one begins to spout words of life!

Revisiting ~ Proverbs 12 ~ The Good Wife

Photo Copyright 1998 Debbie Burchard

"An excellent wife is the crown of her husband,

But she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones."

~ Proverbs 12:4

In case you couldn't tell, my heart beats for marriages. Good, strong, Christian marriages. Can a couple who doesn't hold Jesus at the center of their relationship still have a good marriage? Sure. There's just something incredible and amazing about a marriage with Christ at the center of it...

In this Proverb, we hear about an excellent wife and a not-so-excellent wife. Let me paint a picture of both for you: 

The excellent wife turns to the Lord every day. She reads the Bible, spends time in prayer, fellowships with God. Because she needs to. She loves her Lord and can't ever get enough of Him. She loves her family. She serves her husband, assists him with daily life and gives herself for him, submitting to his authority in their home. She takes care of her children, trains them up in the way they should go. She manages their home. She serves in her local church. She knows how to say "no" so her schedule doesn't take the place of family time. Her husband's heart safely trusts her (see Proverbs 31), and he knows she loves Jesus first, which allows her to love him in a more complete way. She's the good wife. 

The other wife puts herself before all others. Even the Lord. She doesn't have a strong relationship with Jesus, if she has one at all. She doesn't seek godly counsel. She seeks her own will. She never agrees with her husband; she consistently struggles against him. Her home is not filled with peace; it is filled with strife. Her children reflect her behaviors. Her husband is embarrassed by her. He puts a wall up, trying to distance himself from her. He no longer wishes to know the love of his youth. He wants to get away. She is destroying his life, making him miserable. He begins to despise her. She is rottenness to his bones. His health as a husband fades rapidly. She has become like a cancer to him. Eating at him from the inside out. She is not the good wife. She is evil.

The Word of God says that we know people according to their fruit. Good fruit is good fruit. Bad fruit is bad fruit. You don't get good fruit from a bad tree. Even children are known by their deeds, what they do is either wrong or right. There is no "little bit of evil in good" or "little bit of good in evil." We are all sinners. None of us is perfect or good. Not one.

But the blood of Jesus...it covers all sin. When we accept Christ into our hearts and our lives, we have a chance of righteousness. We need to allow Him into our marriages, too. A three-stranded chord (Jesus, My Husband, Me) is not easily broken. When Jesus is in the center of our marital relationship, we cannot be easily torn apart.

But when we leave Jesus out of the equation, we lose the opportunity to keep our marital bond tight. The enemy stands, waiting for any opportunity to destroy God's covenant relationship between a man and a woman. And he will succeed, if we refuse to turn to Jesus. 

I've watched many marriages fall apart. The statistics are staggeringly similar between Christian marriages and non-Christian marriages. Both have almost the same divorce rate. What kind of glory does that give God? Not much. It testifies to human failure and a refusal to stand for God's divine plan. 

I don't say this to put down anyone who's a Christian and has been through divorce. I say this to encourage you to consider your marriage. Or your next marriage. Make sure you are marrying the one prince God has in store for you. Make sure you include Jesus in your marriage. You stand a better chance of making it last when you do. 

And remember...healthy marriages take work. Just like we need to eat healthy foods, exercise, get enough rest and get out in the sunlight, our marriages need work as well. Prayer, communication, financial stability, loyalty, and much, much more build strong marriages. Neglecting marriage, like neglecting one's health, sets it up for death.

What does your marriage look like? Is it time to pump Jesus vitamins in to attack the bad vibes? Or is your marriage a healthy three-stranded chord?

The Hard Truth About Marriage

Marriage isn't easy. God never said anything in life would be. He promised us that His yoke is easy and His burden is light (Matt. 11:28-30), but he never said we would be able to ride through life for free.

Photo Courtesy of Ronny Satzke

Nope. When Adam and Eve fell into a life of sin, God promised we'd have to toil in order to survive (Gen. 3:17-19). He said we'd have to fight temptation (Heb. 4:15). He said we'd have to rest in His strength, not our own (2 Corin. 12:9-10).

Marriage is far from happily ever after.

I should know. I've been married for thirteen years. To the same man. Who I love most days and on other days, I want to take a vacation.

My sister-in-law, Lisa, says we have the fairy tale marriage. I fell in love with my best friend's brother. He tried not to fall in love with me. But then he did. The rest, as they say, is history.

But the fairy tale ends when the honeymoon is over, especially when you marry into a step-family situation. The battle begins after the wedding, and many dragons try to turn the marriage relationship into a crispy, burnt out, never-ending nightmare.

Suddenly I found myself having to fight not only my past, but my husband's past, as well. Without proper communication, things turned chaotic. Some days, I felt like I was the only one fighting for us. Not only was I fighting for my husband, but I was fighting for my step-son, too. I prayed. I cried out. I worked through.

And that's exactly what marriage takes: hard work.

Through hard work, my husband and I committed to sticking together, no matter what. Through hard work, we managed through the trials and errors and valleys of our relationship. Through hard work, we learned to effectively communicate with each other. Through hard work, we proved that our relationship could survive time, distance and so much more.

See, my husband just returned from working halfway across the country for six months. It's the longest he's ever been away from the kids and me. It's the longest we've lived without him in our immediate lives. Distance like that doesn't come without temptations and options. Most men he works with would have cheated on or left their wives after being apart that long. After all, how would she ever know? Not my man. No. He loves us to the degree that he lays down his life for us so we can live a better life. And he remains faithful and true.

Through my husband's sacrifice and faithfulness, I get a glimpse of God and how I am the bride of an ever faithful Christ. How much more could I ask for?

I've included this video for you to enjoy today. It's a spoken word performance concerning marriage. The young man hits on several truths about what a marriage should look like if it's a godly marriage. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Persevering in Undecided Times

My husband works in the construction industry. When he was a union carpenter, it could be feast or famine. Now, he's salaried, and we know he'll receive a paycheck every week.

Women look at me almost every day and say, "How do you do it? I don't think I could."

My secret? I don't think I can, either. Not on my own, anyway.

Photo Courtesy of Frieda Suess

"If you faint in the day of adversity,
Your strength is small."
~ Proverbs 24:10

There are days I want to fling myself onto my bed, cry a pool of tears and forget that I have four children needing my attention in the living room. There are days I'd like to pack my house up, put it all in storage and demand my husband buy a fifth-wheel we can pull behind the Yukon to every new job site. There are days I dream of him finding a career in which we can plant ourselves in a home and watch our children graduate from the school they attended in first grade through their senior year.

But that's not the story God is writing in our life. God is writing a story similar to His own:

"Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head." ~ Matthew 8:20 

As we travel from place-to-place, I have to remember that this world is not my home. My home is in eternity with Christ. This place to lay my head is only temporary. Just like the next move.

"The lot is cast into the lap,
But its every decision is from the Lord."
~ Proverbs 16:33

I've had to learn to trust God with the decisions my husband makes concerning our family and our travels. I've learned that we, as humans, make mistakes, and sometimes it feels like God has moved out of the picture, or we've chosen to stay put. I've learned that we make our plans, but God makes the final decision. He opens the doors and closes them.

I rely on God to be my Strength, my Rock, my Shield and my Go-To-Guy. It's through His grace that I make it through the next day, and the next and the next. I couldn't do it without Christ.

Could you?

Banishing the Ugly Word - Part 2

I'm sorry. This was scheduled to post on Friday, and once again, my scheduled post turned into a draft without my knowing it. So, Part 2 on Sunday...

Yesterday I posted five of the ten common reasons people get divorced. We are discussing the issues that lead to the use of the ugly "D" word and what God's word says about it. Today, the second five reasons people file for divorce:

6. Religious Differences: God is very clear in His word on this one. He says:

"Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?

And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever?

And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the Living God."

~ 2 Corinthians 6:14-16

As a Christian single, yoking one's self to an unbeliever is unwise. I could list several issues that will arise from this unequal bond. The main point is that God intends for His children to marry another believer, not someone who cannot relate to Jesus and His precepts.

What happens when one is already married before coming to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ? Here is what Paul says about that:

"Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. And a husband is not to depart from his wife.

But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her.

And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, and she is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him.

For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.

But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace."

~ 1 Corinthians 7:10-15

7. Child Rearing: Really? This is a cause for divorce? In the cases of neglect, abandonment, or abuse, there should certainly be intervention. But in daily disagreements over simple issues such as disciplinary measures, schooling, whether mom should stay at home, etc., it is not grounds for divorce. It is time to sit down and discuss the differences of opinion. It is time to come to an agreement, even if it's taking the middle ground. Children are affected by divorce more than they would be if parents would come into an agreement with one another for their well-being.

8. Addictions: Granted it is difficult to live with an addict. Especially if the addict is causing financial distress or has become abusive of the people around them. However, addictions can be overcome with intervention and a willingness to change. Jesus is healer of all. In Him, we can overcome anything. In Christ, we can find freedom. A period of separation may be necessary, but divorce doesn't have to be the couple's final answer. 

"For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world - our faith.

Who is he who overcomes the world, but he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?"

~ 1 John 5:4-5

9. Different Priorities or Expectations: Whether it is a career path, who does what household chores, child-rearing, or where to live, differences can certainly cause strife in a home. These things are things to be discussed and sorted out. They aren't a reason to go to the courthouse or seek a lawyer. I don't always agree with my husband. But we can come to a middle ground and move forward in our life together.
I think this is probably a main cause of divorce in remarriages. It's not easy blending two families to create one big happy family. The husband has raised his children a particular way, while the wife has raised hers a particular way. When they are faced with combining their particular ways to make one way, it becomes grounds for battle. Eventually they tire from warring against one another and decide it may be easier to call it quits. 
Calling it quits because we have differences is a sign of laziness or selfishness or unwillingness to bend. It could be a combination of the three. Whatever it is, it isn't grounds for a divorce in God's eyes. He never promised us things would be easy. Since Adam and Eve were kicked out of the Garden of Eden, He said we'd have to work hard in this life. What we need to do is put Him in our midst and learn to put one another first.

10. Number ten varies from source to source. Some say it's boredom. Some say it's abandonment. Some say it's something completely different. Whatever number ten is in your marriage, let me remind you of my second post this week. There are many things we are called to do for one another as husband and wife. When we get out of the way and put God in our midst, our marriages will thrive. It isn't about me. It isn't about my husband. It's about God. Period. It's about putting His will for our lives as a married couple before our own wills. It's about coming together in unity and realizing that when we are united in Christ, anything is possible and nothing is beyond our reach. 

Join me again on Monday to find out what is possible when we walk in unity in our marriages. 

Photo courtesy of bea29sm
 

Banishing The Ugly Word

There is one word that should never be uttered between a husband and a wife. Especially if the couple claim to be Christians. It should be banished from a married couple's vocabulary. It shouldn't even be whispered while walking away from an argument. It is detrimental to the covenant relationship.

Divorce - In case you're wondering, God hates this word. Divorce, like Hell, was never in His original plan for human beings. What causes one to even consider this word? The hardness of one's heart. Selfishness. Plain and simple.  

"For the Lord God of Israel says 

 That He hates divorce, 

 For it covers one's garment with violence."

 ~Malachi 2:16a

"He said to them, 'Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so."

~ Matthew 19:8

After performing a Google search on "Reasons for Divorce," I realized the same ten reasons repeatedly appeared. We'll take a look at five today and five tomorrow. Here are the top five:

1. Infidelity: This is the one condition that God allows divorce for. "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery." ~ Matthew 19:9

I have witnessed couples where infidelity has been an issue decide to work through the unfaithfulness and walk in forgiveness, honoring their marriage. This is a beautiful testimony to God's forgiveness and love for His people. Divorce does not have to be the answer, but this is the one condition that God allows for it.

2. Communication Breakdown: If I don't spend time with my husband, talking with him, sharing with him, even arguing with him, communication will certainly break down. He has learned through working that if we want good communication, we need to apply ourselves to it. We make eye contact. We set aside distractions. We don't allow for interruptions. We speak to the person, and we ask the person to repeat what we've said. This makes certain that they've understood us. We allow for questions, remembering there are no stupid ones. We provide answers, and if we are unsure of the answer, we tell the person we'll find the answer and get back to him or her. We all communicate on a daily basis. It takes work, whether it's communicating with our boss, our best friend, or our spouse. We wouldn't quit our job because of a lack of communication. We would work at resolving the issue in order to maintain your position within the company. So why would we allow the same issue to destroy our marriages?

3. Abuse, whether Physical, Emotional, or Psychological: Hurt people hurt people. Abuse typically stems from an abusive past. I dated a guy who started off emotionally abusing me. He'd get angry and decide to sling some words. Eventually, the pattern changed and the physical abuse began. And now that I'm thinking back on it, there were two others I'd dated who had the same pattern. It didn't take marrying them to discover their abusive behaviors. I knew the fathers of two of these guys. Their fathers were angry, abusive men. I'm almost positive the third guy's father would show the same traits. Am I judging them? No. But the Bible clearly states, "Make no friendship with an angry man, And with a furious man do not go, Lest you learn his ways And set a snare for your soul." ~ Proverbs 22:24-25
If you find yourself in a situation where your spouse has suddenly become abusive, get help. God doesn't desire for his children to suffer harm by others. There is help for both of you. Seek out your pastor and a professional Christian counselor. You may need to separate for a period of time while you both receive counsel, healing, and restoration. Especially if the abuse is physical by nature.

4. Financial Issues: This is reported as being one of the top reasons for marital strain. A spouse loses a job. One is a spender while the other is a saver. Here is what I've learned about finances in relation to marriage: 
a) Don't keep separate accounts. When a man and a wife say "I do," they become one flesh. What's mine becomes yours. What's yours becomes mine. This includes the finances.
b) God is our Provider, our Jehovah Jireh. Technically, it all belongs to Him, and we are merely the stewards of His blessing. (See Luke 16:10-12)
c) The love of money is the root of all evil. Many times we hear that money is the root of all evil. Nope. It's the LOVE of money that's the root. You can't serve two masters, because you'll love the one and hate the other. Your love for your spouse should come before all financial matters. It's proper order. "For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil, for which some have strayed from the faith in their greediness, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows." (See Luke 16:13)

5. Sexual Incompatibility: One spouse has a stronger sex drive than the other. One spouse has a difficult time reaching sexual satisfaction. One spouse comes home exhausted from a day's labor and is too tired to perform. 

"Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.

Let the husband render to his wife the affection due to her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.

The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

~ 1 Corinthians 7:2-5

It's very clear that God desires for us to meet our spouse's sexual needs. If the drive of one spouse doesn't line up with the others', God says not to deprive one another. That means you do it anyway. If you're having difficulty reaching satisfaction, talk about it. Tell your spouse what he or she can do differently to help you get there. Get a book about sex and read it together.
If you've been sexually abused and intimacy is difficult for you, admit that to yourself and to your spouse. Seek professional Christian counseling to help you overcome and find healing in that area. Don't allow it to cause a rift in your marriage. It isn't your fault or your spouse's. 
Remember: "Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge." ~ Hebrews 13:4 

Join me tomorrow for the next 5 common reasons people divorce and what God's word says. 

Photo Courtesy of Alex Bruda

Irreconcilable Differences?

Too many times couples divorce simply because they have irreconcilable differences. It's our differences that make us unique and individuals. My husband and I are complete opposites. But it’s in that opposition that we are made complete. He is laid back and playful. I am a task master and serious. He is a last-minute planner. I like to plan a month in advance. He takes time to get over something and move on. I want things resolved immediately and move on. There are things he does that drive me crazy. There are things I do that drive him crazy. 

But we complete one another. That’s the beauty of God’s design for marriage. When we learn to get past one another's faults (we all have them), we can move forward together in love.

"Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation, and every city or house divided against itself will not stand." - Matthew 12:26 

Is your house divided? Do you feel things should be one way, while your spouse feels it should be another? It's hard for a house to stand on an uneven or split foundation. There isn't enough support in the right places to hold it up.

Many times Vic and I have argued or disagreed over finances, vacations, disciplining the children, and many other things. Sometimes it's as simple as whether to stay home for the day or take the children out to do something. One of us will be in a foul mood, and it turns the entire day upside down. When we should be spending time as a family having fun, no one is happy and having fun.

The house is sitting atop our crumbling foundation. We're trying to build it on our own will and of our own work. And that was never God's plan.

"Behold, how good and how pleasant it is

 For brethren to dwell together in unity!

 It is like the precious oil upon the head...

 For there the Lord commanded the blessing - 

 Life forevermore."

 ~Psalm 133:1,2a,3b

God's plan for marriage is a union. It is for a man and a woman to be joined together as one flesh. Walking in unity. That is where the blessing lies. That is where there is life forevermore.

How do we come together in unity as husband and wife? How do we build on a foundation that will hold our house together for a lifetime?

1. We put God in the midst of it. If God doesn't build the house, we build it in vain. (See Psalm 127:1) When God is in the middle of us, it isn't easy to pull us apart. (See Ecc. 4:12)

2. We put one another before ourselves. (See Eph. 5:13,14 & Matt.20:28)

3. We treat others the way we would want to be treated. (See Matt. 7:12)

4. We don't let the sun go down on our anger. (See Eph. 4:26-27)

5. We walk in forgiveness. (See Matt. 6:14-15)

6. We understand and recognize that none of us is perfect, nor will we ever be perfect. (See Ecc. 7:20, Rom. 3:10, 23)

7. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the church. He gave Himself for her. He loves her as He loves Himself. He doesn't deal with her treacherously, but nourishes and cherishes her. (See Eph. 5:25-29, Mal. 2:15-16)

8. Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. He is the head of your house, just as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body, just as your husband is the hero of your home. Respect your husband as such. He has your best interests at heart. 

 

Join me tomorrow for part three.

Making It Work

"And He answered and said to them, 'Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning 'made them male and female,' 

and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? 

So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.'" 

~ Matthew 19:4-6                                                                           

My parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary yesterday. That's an amazing feat in today's society. With fifty percent of couples divorcing, one wonders how the other fifty percent survive.

Warren and Barbara Johnson married in June of 1971. Shortly after, they moved to Indiana. In 1974, they brought their first daughter into the world. Their world was a small shack, where the roof leaked over their bed. They took baths in a child's plastic swimming pool, and it got so cold at times that the baby's fingers and toes would turn purple. An outhouse served as their bathroom.

Barb reached a point of frustration and begged her father to allow her to move home with the baby. Henry had the wisdom to tell his daughter no. She'd chosen to marry Warren, and where Warren lived would be her home from now on.

Soon, the two moved into a brick house and out of the misery of the shack. Did that make things easier? Not necessarily. Remaining married would take effort on both their parts.

A couple of years later, they moved to Kentucky, where they brought another daughter and a son into their world. Not long after, they returned to New York due to the failing health of Warren's parents.

Life comes with ups and downs, heartaches and joys, troubles and prosperity. Warren took out-of-town jobs to bring finances to the household. Sometimes it proved easier to work away from home. Things weren't always "happily ever after." Through it all, they remained faithful and married.

Because marriage takes work. It takes effort. Vic and I have had our ups and downs, heartaches and joys, fights and peace, troubles and prosperity. Just as Mom and Dad could have allowed their own desires to separate them, Vic and I could have, too. But God's word says that when a man leaves his father and mother, joins himself to his wife, and they become one flesh, no man is to put that asunder. Not the husband. Not the wife. Not the in-laws. Not the divorce court. Because God designed marriage as a covenant, not a contract. It didn't come with conditions. It didn't come with provisions for failures. No. It is a binding covenant til death do us part.

Join me tomorrow for Part Two...

Photo is of Warren and Barbara Johnson on their wedding day, June 20, 1971.

Adultery Makes Headlines...Again

Photo Copyright 2010 Alycia W. Morales

 

Adultery made the headlines again. What I always wonder when I see these headlines is why the news doesn't give strong marriages the same coverage as the adulterous ones receive. Is it simply because celebrities and politicians are in the public eye, so they're more recognizable? Or is it because we, the general public, salivate over stories of other peoples' downfalls? Either answer tells a sad tale.

 

So I wanted to share a few things and let you in on something I'd like to do. ;)

 

Michael Hyatt wrote a very good post, posing the question, "What Are You Doing to Protect Your Marriage?" I admire the fact that he stood up for what is right and moral and Godly and didn't coat it with chocolate for delivery. I highly recommend checking it out.

 

As a result of reading his post, I'd like to add these further thoughts:

 

God called out "an evil and adulterous generation" in Matthew 12:39, Matthew 16:4, and Mark 8:38. My husband loves to point out that He didn't call out an evil and idolatrous generation, or an evil and perverse generation, or an evil and greedy generation. No, He called it an evil and adulterous generation. One who left their first love and sought after others to satisfy their desires. The desires that only the one you've married should be satisfying. 

 

Just as people leave their husband or wife to follow after another, they leave God to follow after other things, as well. We are an adulterous generation, leaving behind our First Love in order to search out others to satisfy our deepest desire for companionship. We turn to our computers, our televisions, our alcohol, our lust, our money, our (name whatever device it is that's drawn us away from God)... 

 

And just like a man or woman who commits adultery will blame all of their problems on the ex-spouse, we blame God or others as our reason for walking away from Him. "The woman at church offended me." "God didn't heal my wife. Instead, he allowed her to die." "God took my baby." "God didn't answer my prayer. Why should I believe He cares?" "He lets bad things happen. He isn't loving." We make excuses, not willing to live up to the fact that it's our own sin that is the issue. We blame-shift. 

 

We need to get back to our First Love, and we need to get back to loving each other the way God intended us to. It's time to own up!

 

It takes a strong man or woman to stand up and admit their error. It also takes a strong man or woman to stand up for what is right in God's eyes. I admire couples who stand firm on the foundation of marriage and work hard to keep their relationship strong and in tact. I admire men and women of God who understand the meaning of a covenant relationship. 

 

What I'd like to do is this: I'd like to gather stories of strong marital relationships. I'd like to hear about how God has seen a relationship through. Maybe you've been through an adulterous situation and come out with a testimony of God's restorative power. Maybe you've been married for decades and have a beautiful love story to share. Maybe you're recently married and are still in the honeymoon period of your life, but you know God is in the center of your relationship. Maybe you've witnessed someone else's marriage, and it's been a blessing to your own. Whatever your story (or someone else's) is, I'd love to hear it!

 

Or, if you have a tip for keeping your marriage strong, share those. And the best advice you've ever gotten concerning marriage? Let's have that, too!

 

For the month of June (since that is one of the biggest months for weddings), I'll share these stories and tidbits of tips on how to keep your marriage strong and avoid adultery and the ugly "D" word. Let's make June a month of celebration of Godly marriages!

Proverbs 29 - Can I Have it Back?

"A fool vents all his feelings,

But a wise man holds them back."

- Proverbs 29:11

I'd done it again. My husband walked away with a dejected look on his face. I'd ranted until I had nothing left to say. 

I felt like a fool. An idiot, I'd call myself. 

My day with the kids had been a long one. I tired of bending over and picking up Legos after stepping on them with my bare feet. I wearied of breaking up arguments over who knew more than the other. I wanted to sit and do nothing, but no one seemed to care. So I spouted off. Eventually, I made an accusation. "Why can't you deal with them for a while?" And the rant went on from there.

Too often spouses take out life's issues on their mate, firing off every buried feeling they've suppressed like a cork pops from a shaken champagne bottle. The explosion eventually fizzles until there's nothing left but a flatness. The spark is gone. 

A wife can walk in wisdom, avoiding these outbursts of wrath. I know. I've learned to curb that desire to react to my husband's rants, as well as my own. I learned to take it to God.

Too often we want to find our best friend or mother and spill out all of the emotions that have surfaced after a disagreement with our spouse. Or we want to throw accusations back at the one we're arguing with. Neither of these will do any good, and afterward we'll be looking to take back those spiteful words. Or we'll regret that we've divulged something personal to another.

Instead of looking foolish, I take it to God first. If I'm still discontent after spouting off to the One who knows my heart's deepest points, then I seek the counsel of my pastor's wife. I don't take it to my mother. I don't go argue with my husband again. I don't dump it on my best friend. I seek godly counsel and wisdom. And I follow it up with the Word of God. 

Don't be foolish. Don't wear your emotions on your sleeve. Take it to God first. More often than not, He'll resolve your heart's issue in an instant.

Photo Courtesy of Yamamoto Ortiz

Proverbs 15 - Your Tongue is on Fire

"A wholesome tongue is a tree of life,

But perverseness in it breaks the spirit."

~ Proverbs 15:4

I know I've spoken a lot about the tongue this week, but it is such an important topic. And it applies in all areas of life - at home, with people close to us, at work, with people who hardly know us or complete strangers.

Our words, which fall off our tongues, can either build someone up or tear someone down. The tone we take implies our sincerity or our deceit. We must watch what we say and how we say it.

Husbands and wives have a tendency to hurt one another more than any other person in the world could. Our intimacy sometimes gives us unwarranted liberty to push each others' buttons in ways we'd never allow someone else to. Try to say something against my husband or child, and I'll render you speechless, for sure.

Yet we allow ourselves to do what we'd allow no one else to. Why is that?

Because we know each others' weaknesses better than anyone else...

Our tongues can be a tree of life to our spouses, children, and others. Or they can break their spirits.

Observe:

I recently found myself giving counsel to a dear friend of mine concerning the hurtful words of her husband. Reflecting on my own husband's occasional hurtful words, I realized something. My friend made the comment, "He says I put a wall up." I thought about that wall. It comes up anytime I'm falsely accused. I then had a revelation, which I shared with her. 

It's not a wall. It's my shield of faith. I've raised it in front of my heart to protect me from the fiery darts of the enemy. For I don't war against flesh and blood. My husband's just the messenger. It's his tongue the enemy has chosen to use to fire his darts from. He's believed some lie and forgotten how God sees me at the time. His words are critical, spiteful, or hurtful. Do I blame him? No. I raise my shield of faith and deflect the darts with God's Word and His love for me. 

Jesus heard the enemy through his disciples, those twelve men who were closest to Him. In Matthew 16:22, Peter took Jesus aside to tell Him He should not suffer and die on the cross for our sins. Jesus' response was, "Get behind Me, Satan! You are an offense to Me, for you are not mindful of the things of God, but the things of men." 

I can imagine Peter's response by the look on my husband's face when I say, "Hon. I love you, but you're listening to the lies of the enemy right now, and I won't hear them. I'm putting up my shield of faith right now, because your words are hurtful and will harm my heart."

The next time someone tries to tell you something you know isn't true about yourself, hold up your shield of faith. They may see it as a wall, but you and God will know you're protecting yourself from the perverseness being spouted in your direction. 

Don't forget to rejoice when the tongue of your loved one begins to spout words of life!

Photo Copyright 2010 Alycia W. Morales