Thoughtful Words - Spousal Words

There have been times in my marriage when Victor has said something to me, and I've wanted to give him a fat lip. His intentions were to encourage me to change my ways, but his method fell short of its result.

Have you ever noticed that the ones we love the most tend to be the ones who hurt us the most? Why is that?

My husband irritates once in awhile. I weary of picking up his dirty socks, washing his dishes every day, listening to the drone of his video game theme song, and hearing him talk loudly yell during a regular conversation.

I know he wearies of my imperfections too. My muttering loud enough for everyone to hear how frustrating it is to have to repeat myself twenty times and still find "people" not doing what I've requested. My looming deadlines and the need to work after hours, rather than scratch his head. My consistent requests for him to keep the kids and the dog out of my space so I can finish a project. 

We both have our imperfections. We come with plenty of baggage and a few faults. We both have logs in our eyes.

We tend to see one another as common, rather than remember we are sons and daughters of the King of Kings.

Of how much worse punishment, do you suppose, will he be thought worthy who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, counted the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified a common thing, and insulted the Spirit of grace? For we know Him who said, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. And again, “The Lord will judge His people.” It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. - Hebrews 10:29-31

We and our spouses have been sanctified by the blood of Jesus. We have a covenant relationship with God. How can we treat our spouses as some commoner, when he or she is a child of God? In doing so, we insult the Spirit of grace. And we fall into the hands of the living God.

I know I've become the unjust judge of my husband on more than one occasion, and I know he's done the same to me. I know I've jumped to conclusions, rather than giving him the benefit of the doubt. I know he's done the same to me. The Lord says that vengeance is His. Not ours. He is the One who will judge our spouses according to what they have done and said and us according to what we've done and said.

How do we overcome our spouse's hurtful words and our temptation to continue in our judgmental attitudes?

Remember: Jesus is the only One who can change our spouse. We can beg and plead and try to love them into being someone else, but God holds the power to change their hearts. It's better to focus on our own faults and allow God to change us. It's selfish to think our spouse needs to change and we don't. Avoid selfishness. Let God work on your heart first. Let Him deal with your spouse.

We all know where our faults lie. Only Jesus knows the intent of our heart better than we do. Despite what we may think, we don't know the intents of our spouse's hearts. We don't know what drives them to do the things they do or say the things they say. Rather than assuming we do, we should ask them. Quit accusing one another. Start supporting one another.

Rather than pointing our the negative things in each others' lives, point out the positive things. Instead of tearing one another down, build each other up. 

We need Jesus to be the center of our marriage. When we focus on Him, we can see our spouse through His eyes. In doing so, we see the positive far outweighs the negative. For that we can be thankful. And that thankfulness will be reflected in the words we say to our husband or wife. 

Let your words bring life to your spouse. Stop killing them with your words. 

Photo of Far From Love Courtesy of  Enver Uçarer
Photo of Kiss Courtesy of Mike Lawrey

Revisiting ~ Proverbs 12 ~ The Good Wife

Photo Copyright 1998 Debbie Burchard

"An excellent wife is the crown of her husband,

But she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones."

~ Proverbs 12:4

In case you couldn't tell, my heart beats for marriages. Good, strong, Christian marriages. Can a couple who doesn't hold Jesus at the center of their relationship still have a good marriage? Sure. There's just something incredible and amazing about a marriage with Christ at the center of it...

In this Proverb, we hear about an excellent wife and a not-so-excellent wife. Let me paint a picture of both for you: 

The excellent wife turns to the Lord every day. She reads the Bible, spends time in prayer, fellowships with God. Because she needs to. She loves her Lord and can't ever get enough of Him. She loves her family. She serves her husband, assists him with daily life and gives herself for him, submitting to his authority in their home. She takes care of her children, trains them up in the way they should go. She manages their home. She serves in her local church. She knows how to say "no" so her schedule doesn't take the place of family time. Her husband's heart safely trusts her (see Proverbs 31), and he knows she loves Jesus first, which allows her to love him in a more complete way. She's the good wife. 

The other wife puts herself before all others. Even the Lord. She doesn't have a strong relationship with Jesus, if she has one at all. She doesn't seek godly counsel. She seeks her own will. She never agrees with her husband; she consistently struggles against him. Her home is not filled with peace; it is filled with strife. Her children reflect her behaviors. Her husband is embarrassed by her. He puts a wall up, trying to distance himself from her. He no longer wishes to know the love of his youth. He wants to get away. She is destroying his life, making him miserable. He begins to despise her. She is rottenness to his bones. His health as a husband fades rapidly. She has become like a cancer to him. Eating at him from the inside out. She is not the good wife. She is evil.

The Word of God says that we know people according to their fruit. Good fruit is good fruit. Bad fruit is bad fruit. You don't get good fruit from a bad tree. Even children are known by their deeds, what they do is either wrong or right. There is no "little bit of evil in good" or "little bit of good in evil." We are all sinners. None of us is perfect or good. Not one.

But the blood of Jesus...it covers all sin. When we accept Christ into our hearts and our lives, we have a chance of righteousness. We need to allow Him into our marriages, too. A three-stranded chord (Jesus, My Husband, Me) is not easily broken. When Jesus is in the center of our marital relationship, we cannot be easily torn apart.

But when we leave Jesus out of the equation, we lose the opportunity to keep our marital bond tight. The enemy stands, waiting for any opportunity to destroy God's covenant relationship between a man and a woman. And he will succeed, if we refuse to turn to Jesus. 

I've watched many marriages fall apart. The statistics are staggeringly similar between Christian marriages and non-Christian marriages. Both have almost the same divorce rate. What kind of glory does that give God? Not much. It testifies to human failure and a refusal to stand for God's divine plan. 

I don't say this to put down anyone who's a Christian and has been through divorce. I say this to encourage you to consider your marriage. Or your next marriage. Make sure you are marrying the one prince God has in store for you. Make sure you include Jesus in your marriage. You stand a better chance of making it last when you do. 

And remember...healthy marriages take work. Just like we need to eat healthy foods, exercise, get enough rest and get out in the sunlight, our marriages need work as well. Prayer, communication, financial stability, loyalty, and much, much more build strong marriages. Neglecting marriage, like neglecting one's health, sets it up for death.

What does your marriage look like? Is it time to pump Jesus vitamins in to attack the bad vibes? Or is your marriage a healthy three-stranded chord?

Proverbs 12 - The Good Wife

"An excellent wife is the crown of her husband,

But she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones."

~ Proverbs 12:4

In case you couldn't tell, my heart beats for marriages. Good, strong, Christian marriages. Can a couple who doesn't hold Jesus at the center of their relationship still have a good marriage? Sure, I bet they can. There's just something incredible and amazing about a marriage with Christ at the center of it...

 

In this Proverb, we hear about an excellent wife and a not-so-excellent wife. Let me paint a picture of both for you: 

 

The excellent wife turns to the Lord every day. She reads the Bible, spends time in prayer, in fellowship with God. Because she needs to. She loves her Lord and can't ever get enough of Him. She loves her family. She serves her husband, assists him with daily life, and gives herself for him, submitting to his authority in their home. She takes care of her children, trains them up in the way they should go. She manages their home. She serves in her local church. She knows how to say "no" so her schedule doesn't take the place of family time. Her husband's heart safely trusts her (see Proverbs 31), and he knows she loves Jesus first, which allows her to love him in a more complete way. She's the good wife. 

 

The other wife puts herself before all others. Even the Lord. She doesn't have a strong relationship with Jesus, if she has one at all. She doesn't seek godly counsel. She seeks her own will. She never agrees with her husband; she consistently struggles against him. Her home is not filled with peace. It is filled with strife. Her children reflect her behaviors. Her husband is embarrassed by her. He begins to put a wall up, trying to distance himself from her. He no longer wishes to know the love of his youth. He wants to get away. She is destroying his life, making him miserable. He begins to despise her. She is rottenness to his bones. His health as a husband fades rapidly. She has become like a cancer to him. Eating at him from the inside out. She is not the good wife. She is evil.

 

The Word of God says that we know people according to their fruit. Good fruit is good fruit. Bad fruit is bad fruit. You don't get good fruit from a bad tree. Even children are known by their deeds, what they do is either wrong or right. There is no "little bit of evil in good" or "little bit of good in evil." We are all sinners. None of us is perfect or good. Not one.

But the blood of Jesus...it covers all sin. When we accept Christ into our hearts and our lives, we have a chance of righteousness. We need to allow Him into our marriages, too. A three-stranded chord (Me, Jesus, My Husband) is not easily broken. When Jesus is in the center of our marital relationship, we cannot be easily torn apart.

But when we leave Jesus out of the equation, we lose the opportunity to keep our marital bond tight. The enemy stands, waiting for any opportunity to destroy God's covenant relationship between a man and a woman. And he will succeed, if we refuse to turn to Jesus. 

I've watched many marriages fall apart. The statistics are staggeringly similar between Christian marriages and non-Christian marriages. Both have almost the same divorce rate. What kind of glory does that give God? Not much. It testifies to human failure and a refusal to stand for God's divine plan. 

I don't say this to put down anyone who's a Christian and has been through divorce. I say this to encourage you to consider your marriage. Or your next marriage. Make sure you are marrying the one prince God has in store for you. Make sure you include Jesus in your marriage. You stand a better chance of making it last when you do. 

 

And remember...healthy marriages take work. Just like we need to eat healthy foods, exercise, get enough rest, and get out in the sunlight, our marriages need work as well. Prayer, communication, financial stability, loyalty, and much, much more build strong marriages. Neglecting marriage, like neglecting one's health, sets it up for death.

What does your marriage look like? Is it time to pump Jesus vitamins in to attack the bad vibes? Or is your marriage a healthy three-stranded chord?

Photo Copyright 1998 Debbie Burchard