Thoughtful Words - Spousal Words

There have been times in my marriage when Victor has said something to me, and I've wanted to give him a fat lip. His intentions were to encourage me to change my ways, but his method fell short of its result.

Have you ever noticed that the ones we love the most tend to be the ones who hurt us the most? Why is that?

My husband irritates once in awhile. I weary of picking up his dirty socks, washing his dishes every day, listening to the drone of his video game theme song, and hearing him talk loudly yell during a regular conversation.

I know he wearies of my imperfections too. My muttering loud enough for everyone to hear how frustrating it is to have to repeat myself twenty times and still find "people" not doing what I've requested. My looming deadlines and the need to work after hours, rather than scratch his head. My consistent requests for him to keep the kids and the dog out of my space so I can finish a project. 

We both have our imperfections. We come with plenty of baggage and a few faults. We both have logs in our eyes.

We tend to see one another as common, rather than remember we are sons and daughters of the King of Kings.

Of how much worse punishment, do you suppose, will he be thought worthy who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, counted the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified a common thing, and insulted the Spirit of grace? For we know Him who said, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. And again, “The Lord will judge His people.” It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. - Hebrews 10:29-31

We and our spouses have been sanctified by the blood of Jesus. We have a covenant relationship with God. How can we treat our spouses as some commoner, when he or she is a child of God? In doing so, we insult the Spirit of grace. And we fall into the hands of the living God.

I know I've become the unjust judge of my husband on more than one occasion, and I know he's done the same to me. I know I've jumped to conclusions, rather than giving him the benefit of the doubt. I know he's done the same to me. The Lord says that vengeance is His. Not ours. He is the One who will judge our spouses according to what they have done and said and us according to what we've done and said.

How do we overcome our spouse's hurtful words and our temptation to continue in our judgmental attitudes?

Remember: Jesus is the only One who can change our spouse. We can beg and plead and try to love them into being someone else, but God holds the power to change their hearts. It's better to focus on our own faults and allow God to change us. It's selfish to think our spouse needs to change and we don't. Avoid selfishness. Let God work on your heart first. Let Him deal with your spouse.

We all know where our faults lie. Only Jesus knows the intent of our heart better than we do. Despite what we may think, we don't know the intents of our spouse's hearts. We don't know what drives them to do the things they do or say the things they say. Rather than assuming we do, we should ask them. Quit accusing one another. Start supporting one another.

Rather than pointing our the negative things in each others' lives, point out the positive things. Instead of tearing one another down, build each other up. 

We need Jesus to be the center of our marriage. When we focus on Him, we can see our spouse through His eyes. In doing so, we see the positive far outweighs the negative. For that we can be thankful. And that thankfulness will be reflected in the words we say to our husband or wife. 

Let your words bring life to your spouse. Stop killing them with your words. 

Photo of Far From Love Courtesy of  Enver Uçarer
Photo of Kiss Courtesy of Mike Lawrey

Revisiting ~ Proverbs 12 ~ The Good Wife

Photo Copyright 1998 Debbie Burchard

"An excellent wife is the crown of her husband,

But she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones."

~ Proverbs 12:4

In case you couldn't tell, my heart beats for marriages. Good, strong, Christian marriages. Can a couple who doesn't hold Jesus at the center of their relationship still have a good marriage? Sure. There's just something incredible and amazing about a marriage with Christ at the center of it...

In this Proverb, we hear about an excellent wife and a not-so-excellent wife. Let me paint a picture of both for you: 

The excellent wife turns to the Lord every day. She reads the Bible, spends time in prayer, fellowships with God. Because she needs to. She loves her Lord and can't ever get enough of Him. She loves her family. She serves her husband, assists him with daily life and gives herself for him, submitting to his authority in their home. She takes care of her children, trains them up in the way they should go. She manages their home. She serves in her local church. She knows how to say "no" so her schedule doesn't take the place of family time. Her husband's heart safely trusts her (see Proverbs 31), and he knows she loves Jesus first, which allows her to love him in a more complete way. She's the good wife. 

The other wife puts herself before all others. Even the Lord. She doesn't have a strong relationship with Jesus, if she has one at all. She doesn't seek godly counsel. She seeks her own will. She never agrees with her husband; she consistently struggles against him. Her home is not filled with peace; it is filled with strife. Her children reflect her behaviors. Her husband is embarrassed by her. He puts a wall up, trying to distance himself from her. He no longer wishes to know the love of his youth. He wants to get away. She is destroying his life, making him miserable. He begins to despise her. She is rottenness to his bones. His health as a husband fades rapidly. She has become like a cancer to him. Eating at him from the inside out. She is not the good wife. She is evil.

The Word of God says that we know people according to their fruit. Good fruit is good fruit. Bad fruit is bad fruit. You don't get good fruit from a bad tree. Even children are known by their deeds, what they do is either wrong or right. There is no "little bit of evil in good" or "little bit of good in evil." We are all sinners. None of us is perfect or good. Not one.

But the blood of Jesus...it covers all sin. When we accept Christ into our hearts and our lives, we have a chance of righteousness. We need to allow Him into our marriages, too. A three-stranded chord (Jesus, My Husband, Me) is not easily broken. When Jesus is in the center of our marital relationship, we cannot be easily torn apart.

But when we leave Jesus out of the equation, we lose the opportunity to keep our marital bond tight. The enemy stands, waiting for any opportunity to destroy God's covenant relationship between a man and a woman. And he will succeed, if we refuse to turn to Jesus. 

I've watched many marriages fall apart. The statistics are staggeringly similar between Christian marriages and non-Christian marriages. Both have almost the same divorce rate. What kind of glory does that give God? Not much. It testifies to human failure and a refusal to stand for God's divine plan. 

I don't say this to put down anyone who's a Christian and has been through divorce. I say this to encourage you to consider your marriage. Or your next marriage. Make sure you are marrying the one prince God has in store for you. Make sure you include Jesus in your marriage. You stand a better chance of making it last when you do. 

And remember...healthy marriages take work. Just like we need to eat healthy foods, exercise, get enough rest and get out in the sunlight, our marriages need work as well. Prayer, communication, financial stability, loyalty, and much, much more build strong marriages. Neglecting marriage, like neglecting one's health, sets it up for death.

What does your marriage look like? Is it time to pump Jesus vitamins in to attack the bad vibes? Or is your marriage a healthy three-stranded chord?

Proverbs 12 - The Good Wife

"An excellent wife is the crown of her husband,

But she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones."

~ Proverbs 12:4

In case you couldn't tell, my heart beats for marriages. Good, strong, Christian marriages. Can a couple who doesn't hold Jesus at the center of their relationship still have a good marriage? Sure, I bet they can. There's just something incredible and amazing about a marriage with Christ at the center of it...

 

In this Proverb, we hear about an excellent wife and a not-so-excellent wife. Let me paint a picture of both for you: 

 

The excellent wife turns to the Lord every day. She reads the Bible, spends time in prayer, in fellowship with God. Because she needs to. She loves her Lord and can't ever get enough of Him. She loves her family. She serves her husband, assists him with daily life, and gives herself for him, submitting to his authority in their home. She takes care of her children, trains them up in the way they should go. She manages their home. She serves in her local church. She knows how to say "no" so her schedule doesn't take the place of family time. Her husband's heart safely trusts her (see Proverbs 31), and he knows she loves Jesus first, which allows her to love him in a more complete way. She's the good wife. 

 

The other wife puts herself before all others. Even the Lord. She doesn't have a strong relationship with Jesus, if she has one at all. She doesn't seek godly counsel. She seeks her own will. She never agrees with her husband; she consistently struggles against him. Her home is not filled with peace. It is filled with strife. Her children reflect her behaviors. Her husband is embarrassed by her. He begins to put a wall up, trying to distance himself from her. He no longer wishes to know the love of his youth. He wants to get away. She is destroying his life, making him miserable. He begins to despise her. She is rottenness to his bones. His health as a husband fades rapidly. She has become like a cancer to him. Eating at him from the inside out. She is not the good wife. She is evil.

 

The Word of God says that we know people according to their fruit. Good fruit is good fruit. Bad fruit is bad fruit. You don't get good fruit from a bad tree. Even children are known by their deeds, what they do is either wrong or right. There is no "little bit of evil in good" or "little bit of good in evil." We are all sinners. None of us is perfect or good. Not one.

But the blood of Jesus...it covers all sin. When we accept Christ into our hearts and our lives, we have a chance of righteousness. We need to allow Him into our marriages, too. A three-stranded chord (Me, Jesus, My Husband) is not easily broken. When Jesus is in the center of our marital relationship, we cannot be easily torn apart.

But when we leave Jesus out of the equation, we lose the opportunity to keep our marital bond tight. The enemy stands, waiting for any opportunity to destroy God's covenant relationship between a man and a woman. And he will succeed, if we refuse to turn to Jesus. 

I've watched many marriages fall apart. The statistics are staggeringly similar between Christian marriages and non-Christian marriages. Both have almost the same divorce rate. What kind of glory does that give God? Not much. It testifies to human failure and a refusal to stand for God's divine plan. 

I don't say this to put down anyone who's a Christian and has been through divorce. I say this to encourage you to consider your marriage. Or your next marriage. Make sure you are marrying the one prince God has in store for you. Make sure you include Jesus in your marriage. You stand a better chance of making it last when you do. 

 

And remember...healthy marriages take work. Just like we need to eat healthy foods, exercise, get enough rest, and get out in the sunlight, our marriages need work as well. Prayer, communication, financial stability, loyalty, and much, much more build strong marriages. Neglecting marriage, like neglecting one's health, sets it up for death.

What does your marriage look like? Is it time to pump Jesus vitamins in to attack the bad vibes? Or is your marriage a healthy three-stranded chord?

Photo Copyright 1998 Debbie Burchard

Proverbs 10 - Love Covers

"Hatred stirs up strife,
 But love covers a multitude of sins."
 ~ Proverbs 10:12

Vic and I will celebrate our 13th anniversary this October. So many times I've thanked God for blessing me with a husband who strives to be a man of God, works hard to provide for our family, and challenges me to be a stronger woman in the Lord and better mother to my children.

Our relationship is strong. We're loyal to one another. We communicate (most of the time). We spend time together each day. We put our relationship before the kids, as is proper order in a Christian home. After all, if the kids always come first, how are they supposed to learn what a proper marriage covenant looks like?

However, there are days my conversations with God go something like this:

"Lord, he's driving me nuts. Why does he have to do that? Why can't he just accept the truth and get on with it? Why won't he pick up his darned socks so his kids will pick up their darned toys? Do they think I'm their maid? I so do not feel like a mother and a wife right now. I feel like the hired help who doesn't get paid. Why can't he see that acts of service is my love language? I'm so tired of this!"

The key to keeping my marriage solid is that I take everything to God first. Sometimes I sound ridiculous and can pick out my own sin while I'm spouting to God. Other times, He reassures me that I know what I'm talking about. 

I don't allow hatred to build up inside of me like a time bomb waiting to explode in the direction of my husband. I don't cause strife by spewing my heart's troubles all over my husband concerning what wrong he's supposedly done me. I take it to God. If I need more wisdom, I go to my pastor's wife or another trusted mature Christian friend. 

If I allowed the things that irritate me to get in the way of my marriage, it would have ended in the first five years. What I realized before I walked the aisle is that I entered a covenant relationship. And with God's assistance, that covenant would never break. God designed marriage to be between one man and one woman, for man to never separate. I can't allow the minor flaws in my husband's personality to get in the way of that covenant. 

I've discovered that love covers a multitude of sin, just as the Word tells us it does. Just because I don't like one thing or another on various days of the week doesn't mean I don't love my husband. It's my love for him that covers a multitude of sin. It's Jesus' love for me that reminds me I, like my husband, fall short of the glory of God. It's Jesus' love inside of me that takes the conditions off of my love for my husband and children. I don't love them because... I love them because of Jesus.

What about you? Do you allow the flaws in yourself or your husband to come between your covenant relationship before God? Or do you love him unconditionally with the love of Jesus in your heart?

Proverbs 5 - Keeping My Man Happy

Read Proverbs 5

Victor, like most Christian men, works in the world’s atmosphere. He’s arrived home at the end of a long day to share yet another discouragement with me. The men he works with cheat on their wives and girlfriends. He’s come to a new understanding of the term Southern Gentleman. Outwardly, these men appear clean-cut, intelligent, and well-rounded. Inside, they are a mess. Depressed. Proud. Sly. Divorces waiting to happen.

Proverbs 5 speaks to men, telling them to heed wisdom’s advice. Parents are supposed to set the example for loving relationships. For solid relationships. For covenant relationships. They are supposed to teach that marriage is a good thing. “A man who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the Lord.” (Proverbs 18:22) So why do they go looking for that immoral woman with honey dripping from her lips?

I can tell you why my husband doesn’t…

Drink water from your own cistern, And running water from your own well: I read God’s Word every day and apply it to my life. I don’t depend on him to walk for me. I walk with God on my own two feet. If he’s doing his duty by washing me with the water of the Word, great. But if he isn’t, it wouldn’t matter, because I have my own relationship with God that I tend to at all times.

Should your fountains be dispersed abroad, Streams of water in the streets? I never go anywhere near other men without my husband. I don’t need rumors flying that someone saw me with another man. I don’t need other men thinking they can make advances toward me because my husband isn’t there. I wouldn’t dream of dispersing my fountains into the streets. If a man needs ministry, he can contact my husband. He doesn’t need me. He needs a man.

Let them be only your own, And not for strangers with you. Do I think it’s okay to allow others to participate in my love life? Whether via pornography, multiple partners, or any other sexual perversion? No! The world’s full of these traps. “The marriage bed is undefiled.” It should only be my own. Not allowing others into my intimacy keeps my husband in my bed and not someone else’s.

Let your fountains be blessed, And rejoice with the wife of your youth. I will never be an they’re punishing them for a few harsh words or a moment of strife. “Your body is not your own.” Once married, our bodies are for our husbands, as theirs are for us. It’s God’s idea, not man’s. Withholding sex from our husbands is not the answer to our problems. Having intimate times allows them to minister to us. In that, we can rejoice!

As a loving deer and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be enraptured with her love. I make myself available to my husband any time he needs me. Whether for sexual pleasure or to assist him with a project or just to hang out, I understand that he needs me. If I’m unavailable every time he calls upon me, he’s bound to find someone else to fulfill those needs. By making myself available, he avoids the immoral woman whose lips drip with honey. He’s enraptured with my love for him. He recognizes my affection and knows I’m always going to be there for him. “Many daughters have done well, but you excel them all.” Because I meet his needs.

Vic loves telling me how many times he’s heard, “I wish I had a wife like that.” He opens his lunchbox on the jobsite. It overflows with bottled water or Gatorade, two homemade sandwiches, a yogurt, a snack, and the occasional leftovers. Because I get up with his alarm, pack his lunch, help him remember everything he needs, and kiss him goodbye in the morning. Other men envy this. They wish their wives would even roll over and say good morning. Instead, these women grunt and roll in the opposite direction, not wanting to be bothered with getting up or having their beauty rest disturbed.

A wise woman once told me, “Get up with your husband in the morning. Pack his lunch, and see him off to work.” I started doing it the next morning. I haven’t stopped. He’s come to expect it, and it’s my pleasure to do it. Next to God, he’s my priority. And it’s an honor to serve such a fine man!

What can you do for your husband today?

Photo Copyright 2010 Alycia W. Morales 

From My Valentine

Photo Copyright 2010 Alycia W. Morales

Pastor Dennis announced the Valentine's banquet our church would be hosting. No sooner than he'd finished telling what time the banquet started, my husband jumped from his seat in the middle of the congregation. "I challenge every  man in here to a poetry contest. You must write a poem for your wife, and we'll read them aloud at the banquet." My cheeks flushed. I wondered if they took him seriously. Or if he'd be the only man with a poem at the banquet.

We'd done this once before. Our first Valentine's Day as husband and wife. Our home church held a coffee house, and Pastor Bob put out the same challenge. Only that celebration of devoted love included a panel of judges. My husband took first place. I cherished that poem. I hid it away, to be kept forever and ever. But...I lost it. I haven't ever been able to find it. I searched my purses, my wallets, my journals. It never turned up.

And so I looked very forward to Valentine's Day 2011.

Here is the poem I received from my husband's heart this year:

Gentle breath of Heaven, fragrant and sweet

Whispers promise of lovers content and complete.

Bound by holy union much stronger than steel,

Our souls entwined, one another we feel.

In this very moment, I call to remember

God's limitless power that brought us together.

From ashes and dust a fire arose

To kindle a love - hot, burning, and bold.

Into the unknown we plunged headlong in,

By faith we leaped and by faith we are kept.

Through battles we've won, through battles we've lost,

Through battles to come, we have counted the cost.

Forward - our destiny - shining and bright

Beckons us follow the path of Love's light.

As we walk it together, enjoying the view,

Our steps will not falter, for we have much still to do.

Passions of youth can diminish with time, 

Yet I still drink deep from the cup of your wine.

Aged to perfection, sweet to my lips, 

Indulge all my senses with the fruit of your vine.

I have and I hold, as prophets foretold,

The joy of my life, in you my dear wife.

Heaven has smiled on this lowly man,

And given a gift greater than any can.

A lifelong companion, a counselor and friend,

More than I hoped for, more than I dreamed.

The best I can offer is, "Thank you, my Queen."

And that is the heart of my husband toward me. (Heaves big sigh.) The other men did rise to the challenge. They did well. I pray their wives' hearts were touched by their gifts of words. I know mine was...

What's the greatest gift your husband has ever blessed you with on Valentine's Day?

~ Thursday Ten ~

Ten Things I Love About My Husband (Victor)

1. He works hard, making certain that our family is well-provided for.

2. He knows how (and when) to have fun. 

Since I am all about work, it's good having him be all about relaxing and taking time to play.

3. He loves the Word of God. 

He's like a sponge, ready to pour out any time discussion of God's Word arises.

4. He loves the outdoors.

This is also a good thing for me, since I'm a homebody who loves to stay indoors.

5. He's an encourager.

6. He's outgoing. I'm brutally shy at first meeting. Usually.

7. He loves his children. He enjoys spending time as a family. It's important to him.

8. He's a man of integrity. Everywhere he turns, people remember him.

9. He knows who he is. And he knows what (Who) he stands for.

10. He still loves me, 12 years later... ;)