Persevering in Undecided Times

My husband works in the construction industry. When he was a union carpenter, it could be feast or famine. Now, he's salaried, and we know he'll receive a paycheck every week.

Women look at me almost every day and say, "How do you do it? I don't think I could."

My secret? I don't think I can, either. Not on my own, anyway.

Photo Courtesy of Frieda Suess

"If you faint in the day of adversity,
Your strength is small."
~ Proverbs 24:10

There are days I want to fling myself onto my bed, cry a pool of tears and forget that I have four children needing my attention in the living room. There are days I'd like to pack my house up, put it all in storage and demand my husband buy a fifth-wheel we can pull behind the Yukon to every new job site. There are days I dream of him finding a career in which we can plant ourselves in a home and watch our children graduate from the school they attended in first grade through their senior year.

But that's not the story God is writing in our life. God is writing a story similar to His own:

"Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head." ~ Matthew 8:20 

As we travel from place-to-place, I have to remember that this world is not my home. My home is in eternity with Christ. This place to lay my head is only temporary. Just like the next move.

"The lot is cast into the lap,
But its every decision is from the Lord."
~ Proverbs 16:33

I've had to learn to trust God with the decisions my husband makes concerning our family and our travels. I've learned that we, as humans, make mistakes, and sometimes it feels like God has moved out of the picture, or we've chosen to stay put. I've learned that we make our plans, but God makes the final decision. He opens the doors and closes them.

I rely on God to be my Strength, my Rock, my Shield and my Go-To-Guy. It's through His grace that I make it through the next day, and the next and the next. I couldn't do it without Christ.

Could you?

The Little Mommy That Could

I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

That little engine from my favorite childhood storybook had an important load to carry over the mountain. And it was a big mountain.

But the size of it didn't stop her. With the encouragement of the toys on board, the little blue engine chugged happily over the mountain, successfully delivering the load of toys and food to the boys and girls who waited on the other side.

My life feels a bit like that right now. I have the important load of managing my home and caring for my children, and some days I feel like I'm carrying that load alone.

But I'm not.

I've got Jesus on my side. And I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Here's a glimpse of life right now:

This morning, I awoke to the alarm. I thought I'd snooze another ten minutes, but my bladder had other ideas. So I rose out of my warm, snuggly bed and sauntered into the bathroom. After my morning routine of showering and getting ready for school, I went to wake my four sleeping children.

Only two were already stirring. My daughter sat at my desk, awaiting my instruction to get dressed, as she usually does. My oldest son lay half asleep on the couch.

The scent of fresh-brewed coffee drifted into the room, and my morning senses came to life. So did the urgency to get out the door. I had to substitute, and I wanted to be there at least fifteen minutes early to read over the lesson plans for the day and acquaint myself with the classroom I'd be in.

But my children had other plans for my morning. One couldn't find his sweatshirt, so he went to school in 30 degree weather in a t-shirt. Because he didn't want to wear his winter coat. And his long-sleeved shirts were becoming too short in the sleeve, so when he held his arms up in front of him, his sleeves pulled up above his wrists. So he would rather freeze.

And my oldest decided he needed to shower at ten minutes to seven. "You know I take a quick shower, Mom." Which he usually does. But this morning "quick" dragged out an extra ten minutes. So when I wanted to be at the school, he was pulling on his jeans. For thirty seconds, I considered leaving him behind, but that wouldn't prove my point. He never wants to go to school in the first place. It would only be cause for him to celebrate if I walked out and made it to school on time, without him. So I prodded. And he moved like a cow on its way to the slaughterhouse. Dragging his feet.

I walked into the classroom not two minutes before my class. Not how I like to start my day. I've discovered something. Substitute teaching is like babysitting. You are a substitute for the real thing, teacher or parent. And kids don't do well with a disruption to routine. And they like to "help." Only they usually are "helping" to their own benefit, not to aid the sub. Because they're kids. I still love it. Because I understand where they're at. I might be in my 30's, but I haven't forgotten what it was like to be 13 or 9 or even 7. But that's about as far back as my memory of childhood goes. And I hope to impact them in positive ways, encouraging them to do their absolute best. Encouraging them to remember that they are each special and unique. They have talents and dreams to pursue. And I want to help them discover those things through providing their education when their teacher can't be there.

It was a rough day. I had a lot of "help."

So I looked forward to the afternoon and some peace and quiet at home.

I didn't get it, though. My kids were arguing when they left the house this morning. And they were arguing the moment we stepped foot inside the house this afternoon. And they didn't stop.

Middle son slammed dear daughter into my air bed because she stepped backward onto his Lego structure as she tried to get away from her younger brother's punching motions that were aimed in her direction. While I'm on the phone with their father.

I had to hang up and deal with the situation. And it didn't stop there.

Middle son has decided he doesn't like being a part of our family, because he's different. He wants to play outside while everyone else wants to play inside. He wants to run around while everyone else wants to play video games. He wants to hang out while everyone else is in their own world. So he's now the oddball. He doesn't feel like one of us anymore. He feels "lost."

So he antagonizes his siblings for the next few hours and then screams and cries out when he gets spoken to and corrected.

My head is now pounding. I'm about to lose all control (if I truly have any left) of myself. My patience is as thin as the ice my son is skating on. I'm about to crack.

But I have to hold myself together. I have to suck it up and dig my heals in and keep keeping on. So I start to chant.

"I think I can. I think I can." Tears are welling in my eyes.

"I think I can. I think I can. I think I can." My nose is running. So are the tears. I've hidden in the bathroom now.

"I think I can. I think I can. No, I can't. I'm too tired. I'm too stressed. I feel so all alone." Okay. The dam has broken free.

"You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you." I give myself a pep talk.

Then I call Daddy for some reinforcement. He gives me all kinds of advice. And reminds me it's a blip in our lifetime. This season will pass sooner than I think it will right this minute.

"I think I can."

I hang up. I cry a little more.

"I think I can." 

"I know you can." It's a whisper to my heart.

"I think I can."

"I know you can." It's my Father's voice.

"I think I can."

"You can do all things. I give you the strength. I give you the authority. I give you the victory. You will endure. You will stand. You will make it through this tunnel and over this mountain. For you are mine."

"I know I can."

I'm quite certain I'm not alone in having days like today. I hope you can find encouragement to continue in your own struggle to overcome that mountain in your life today. Because we have Jesus Christ on our side, and even when we feel all alone in our "day," He will never leave us nor forsake us. And we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. When we are weak, He shows Himself strong. Lean on Jesus. I know you can...

The Middle Part Hurts

Last night I found myself pining for my husband, crying out to God to grant my one and only Christmas wish - that this job would be complete and my family could be reunited. I find myself with deep longing and gut-wrenching, throat-balling emotional pain about a month after we've been apart. Or less. Every time he visits.

This morning, my pastor talked about transformation. He mentioned that it's in the middle of transformation that we become uncomfortable and things get tough.

Which brought me to consider, yet again, the butterfly. I thought about how it's a three-step process. First, the caterpillar. He's a simple creature who enjoys eating through leaves. He feeds so he can grow big and strong. He then morphs into a chrysalis, where he remains wrapped up tight for his transformation process. Once the process is complete, he presents himself in a new form, as a beautiful butterfly.

When we know that God is about to do something amazing in our lives, we enjoy the moment. We read our Bibles with a hunger we've never known before, wanting to be strong in our faith as we head toward the transformation we're certain is on its way.

Next comes the hard part. This is where we become uncomfortable, because things get tight around us. Things start happening that we have no control over. Things try to hinder us, try to get in the way of what we hope God is still doing. We question. We wonder. We falter and try not to faint in the day of adversity. We struggle to remain strong.

This is when the thought struck me. What we should be doing is remembering to remain wrapped up tight in the cocoon of God's love for us, rather than struggling against the process. It's only in His enduring love that the process of transformation can come to completion. It's only in His love that we can become what He has chosen for us to be.

When we allow the process to have its fiery work, we come out like the butterfly. We are changed into His glorious work and able to fly.

So if you're in the uncomfortable process of transformation today, remember: "He who has begun a good work in you will complete it..." (Phil. 1:6)

God is the Strength of my Heart

I have a small amount of business I must take care of before sharing today's post. I have taken a substitute teaching position this fall, which is slightly interfering with my blogging schedule. I will do my best to maintain a three-posts-per-week schedule, but I can't guarantee what time the posts will come those days. Any book reviews will post on Thursdays unless I am required to post them on a particular date. It is my priority to maintain my blog posts and to meet your expectations as my readers. I hope you will continue on with me!

Now, on to today's post:

 

My husband took a week of his vacation time to spend with our children this past week while I flew to New Mexico for a writers conference. Upon my return, I had precious little time with him. Approximately 40 hours or so. What I wasn't expecting was how emotional I would be, knowing I didn't have much time with him.

My dad sent me a message via facebook. He opened it with, "I hope you're surviving husband withdrawal." Husband withdrawal is one of the toughest things I've ever had to deal with. My longing to be with the one I love is intense at times, bringing me to my knees in tears, heaving sobs heavenward.

While on a recent trip to Myrtle Beach for a women's conference, I found myself dreaming about that longing on Friday night. Here's how my dream went:

Close-up shot: I stood, facing an attractive man who tried to gain my attentions, maybe even my affections. I could pay him no attention, though, because I kept looking over his shoulder, toward the horizon, watching for my husband, longing for his arrival. Somehow I knew he would be coming for me, but it wasn't time yet, apparently.

A slightly more distant shot: I am now standing with the same man in front of me, still vying for my affections. Only now, we're in a small crowd of people. Maybe in a restaurant or a small town square or someplace similar. There are several people. He is still trying to get me to pay attention to him, but my heart is still longing for my husband. It is an intense longing, and I am now searching for him amidst the crowd, looking to the horizon one more time. By now I feel almost in a panic, but I know he's coming for me. I just can't see him, yet.

I wake up. I'm near tears, and my heart is extremely heavy, weighted down with this deep longing. I decide I need some time alone with God to deal with my emotional state. As I begin to write out my dream in my journal, it dawns on me. This deep longing I have, this searching, this looking to the horizon. It's a physical description of a spiritual truth. We, as Christians, should have this longing and desire to see our Beloved Savior returning on the horizon. My heart should ache for Jesus' return as much, if not more, than it does for my earthly husband's.

And this morning, I found this scripture in my daily reading:

"Whom have I in heaven but You?
 And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You.
 My flesh and my heart fail;
 But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
 ~ Psalm 73:25-26

My flesh and my heart fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. When I face trials and tribulations, challenges to my faith and my life here on earth, I only need to remember that God is my Strength and my Portion forever and ever. Be encouraged today. Look to God to be all you need to face today. Find your strength and your peace in Him. After all, there is none upon earth that we should desire beside Him first and foremost. Let His love overwhelm you today, replacing your worries and heartaches.